did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
