I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
