What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
