I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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