it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
