I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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