There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Randomize
