this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
