I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
