Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
it was like eating out sand paper
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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