So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
