ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
