She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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