I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
