Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
