gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
