Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
