At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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