i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i love accidental penises.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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