I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
