I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she told me i tasted like america
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
