my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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