my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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