how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
