I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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