Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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