I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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