i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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