I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
