My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
