too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
