Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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