i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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