Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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