the condom got lost in my hair
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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