you guys were way drunker than both of me
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
