i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
