if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
