Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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