btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Randomize
