My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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