tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
