I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
