Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
