Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
