My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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