Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
