Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
