I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
