you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
