i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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