On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
